Today was a hard day.
These are the words that have been scrolling through my head for the last hour or so as I get my children going in their nighttime routine and to bed.
Today was a hard day. It doesn’t feel like those words hold enough weight. They’re not enough to express how much energy was poured into my tiny little souls all day. I wanted so badly to just sit alone in silence, eating my yogurt, watching youtube. Every mother needs a little quiet time. Time to regroup and move on to the next challenge, the next battle, the next loving moment! Each moment with my children is so special and precious to me and they always lead to something better. Each milestone reminds me of all the sweet moments passed that made this milestone possible.
But…today was a hard day.
It’s words that hold so much value, so much emotion, so much sweat and tears to a parent. These words never seem to hold the same weight when spoken. It takes courage to speak a mothers truth out loud. Admitting you’re a little broken, or claiming you need a little help. Just to ask for a pat on the back and hug around the neck is like lava on the tongue.
We are listeners first. Chefs, doctors, nurses, bug-squishers. Snack queens, personal shoppers, stylists, maids, boo boo kissers, silly face makers, memory keepers.
We are also human.
Today was a hard day. I will never forget the immense feeling of defeat. I held my toddler while she gave the loudest screams and most fearful but angry looks. My sweet, wild, curious baby girl was over it and, frankly, over me. It was like she couldn’t control her emotions and just had so much of it in her. So, I continued to tell her over and over: I love you. I asked her time and time again what she needed. Knowing she’s not even 2 yet and can’t explain it herself. Not without a vast wave of emotions taking over her tiny little body. But she TRIED. She tried SO HARD! And for the first time in a very long time, I couldn’t figure it out.
I Felt so lost…
I’m the keeper of the goldfish, master of bedtime snuggles, but I couldn’t crack this one. And it sucked! Every mother on the planet has this superpower to read their kids mind before they’re old enough to form words. However, I felt as though my superpower was on hiatus and I was on planet kryptonite.
How could I not know what my child needed? Could it be this difficult? How could one simple thing be causing such a drastic level of emotions spilling out of this tiny body?
Today was a hard day. But we made it!
Mother’s are a powerful creature and sometimes even the most powerful fall. Feeling failure is something i’ve had to learn about and embrace to change. It’s one of those things you think you knew about, but then, the tiny humans come to life and change the game.
Only, it’s not failure you’re feeling… it’s growth. The feeling of learning how to nurture an entirely different person than what you’ve ever known and they depend solely on you from day 1. It’s empowerment teaching you for next time.
So, yes. Today WAS a hard day, but I learned from it and now i’m better for it. My daughter won’t remember her tantrum in an hour, much less from here on out. But i’ll remember it for her…not so I can rub it in her face or bring it up at family gatherings for embarrassment. I’ll remember so one day, when she comes to me feeling lost with her child, I will know how to empathize. Her emotional experiences are teaching me just so I can turn around and teach her. How crazy is this roller coaster?! The mommy-coaster!
PS: all she wanted was her pacifier…